31 October 2007

happy halloweenie!!!!

could he be any more pleased?

i think not. when bebe tried this halloween costume on the other day, he giggled for 3 solid hours and refused to take it off. my baby is obsessed with a meat head. *sigh* what can ya do?

his favorite thing to say lately?
"mommy! look at my impressive wingspan!"



30 October 2007

better watch what you THINK.

i read about this new piece of "legislation" yesterday and immediately thought of abbie hoffman's testimony during the trial of the chicago seven after the dnc protests in '68 - he said,

"Furthermore, you have asked us to respect the law but this is a law - - I sat there on the witness stand and Mr. Schultz said, "What were you wondering?" as he quoted from my book and speeches. "What were you wondering that night when you stood before a building?" And I said, "Wonder? Wonder? I have never been on trial for wondering. Is that like a dream?"
He said, "Yes, that's like a dream."
And I have never been on trial for my dreams before. How can I respect the highest court in the land or a federal government that puts people on trial for their dreams. I can show it no respect."

and now this has come to pass. i'm reposting holly's bulletin from earlier today. how does it feel to live in the so called most free place in the world now?

The U.S. House of Representatives recently passed HR 1955 titled the Violent Radicalization and Homegrown Terrorism Prevention Act of 2007. This bill is one of the most blatant attacks against the Constitution yet and ACTUALLY DEFINES THOUGHT CRIMES AS HOMEGROWN TERRORISM. If passed into law, it will also establish a commission and a Center of Excellence to study and defeat so called THOUGHT CRIMINIALS. Unlike previous anti-terror legislation, this bill specifically targets the civilian population of the United States and uses vague language to define homegrown terrorism. Amazingly, 404 of our elected representatives from both the Democrat and Republican parties voted in favor of this bill.

First let’s take a look at the definitions of violent radicalization and homegrown terrorism as defined in Section 899A of the bill.

The definition of violent radicalization uses vague language to define this term of promoting ANY BELIEF SYSTEM THAT THE GOVERNMENT CONSIDERS TO BE AN EXTREMIST AGENDA. Since the bill doesn’t specifically define what an extremist belief system is, it is entirely up to the interpretation of the government. Considering how much the government has done to destroy the Constitution they could even define Ron Paul supporters as promoting an extremist belief system. Literally, the government according to this definition can define whatever they want as an extremist belief system. Essentially they have defined violent radicalization as thought crime. The definition as defined in the bill is shown below.

..(2) VIOLENT RADICALIZATION- The term ..violent radicalization' means the process of adopting or promoting an extremist belief system for the purpose of facilitating ideologically based violence to advance political, religious, or social change.

The definition of homegrown terrorism uses equally vague language to further define thought crime. The bill includes the planned use of force or violence as homegrown terrorism which could be interpreted as THINKING ABOUT using force or violence. Not only that but the definition is so vaguely defined, that petty crimes could even fall into the category of homegrown terrorism. The definition as defined in the bill is shown below.

..(3) HOMEGROWN TERRORISM- The term ..homegrown terrorism' means the use, planned use, or threatened use, of force or violence by a group or individual born, raised, or based and operating primarily within the United States or any possession of the United States to intimidate or coerce the United States government, the civilian population of the United States, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives.

Section 899B of the bill goes over the findings of Congress as it pertains to homegrown terrorism. Particularly alarming is that the bill mentions the Internet as a main source for terrorist propaganda. It also mentions that homegrown terrorists span all ages and races indicating that the Congress is stating that EVERYONE IS A POTENTIAL TERRORIST.

The biggest joke of all is that this section also says that any measure to prevent violent radicalization and homegrown terrorism should not violate the constitutional rights of citizens. However, the definition of violent radicalization and homegrown terrorism as they are defined in section 899A are themselves unconstitutional. The Constitution does not allow the government to arrest people for thought crimes, so any promises not to violate the constitutional rights of citizens are already broken by their own definitions.


..The Congress finds the following:

..(1) The development and implementation of methods and processes that can be utilized to prevent violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence in the United States is critical to combating domestic terrorism.

..(2) The promotion of violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence exists in the United States and poses a threat to homeland security.

..(3) The Internet has aided in facilitating violent radicalization, ideologically based violence, and the homegrown terrorism process in the United States by providing access to broad and constant streams of terrorist-related propaganda to United States citizens.

..(4) While the United States must continue its vigilant efforts to combat international terrorism, it must also strengthen efforts to combat the threat posed by homegrown terrorists based and operating within the United States.

..(5) Understanding the motivational factors that lead to violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence is a vital step toward eradicating these threats in the United States.

..(6) The potential rise of self radicalized, unaffiliated terrorists domestically cannot be easily prevented through traditional Federal intelligence or law enforcement efforts, and requires the incorporation of State and local solutions.

..(7) Individuals prone to violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence span all races, ethnicities, and religious beliefs, and individuals should not be targeted based solely on race, ethnicity, or religion.

..(8) Any measure taken to prevent violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence and homegrown terrorism in the United States should not violate the constitutional rights, civil rights and civil liberties of United States citizens and lawful permanent residents.

..(9) Certain governments, including the United Kingdom, Canada, and Australia have significant experience with homegrown terrorism and the United States can benefit from lessons learned by those nations.

Section 899C calls for a commission on the prevention of violent radicalization and ideologically based violence. The commission will consist of ten members appointed by various individuals that hold different positions in government. Essentially, this is a commission that will examine and report on how they are going to deal with violent radicalization and homegrown terrorism. So basically, the commission is being formed specifically on how to deal with thought criminals in the United States. The bill requires that the commission submit their final report 18 months following the commission’s first meeting as well as submit interim reports every 6 months leading up to the final report. Below is the bill’s defined purpose of the commission. Amazingly they even define one of the purposes of the commission to determine the causes of lone wolf violent radicalization.

(b) Purpose- The purposes of the Commission are the following:

..(1) Examine and report upon the facts and causes of violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence in the United States, including United States connections to non-United States persons and networks, violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence in prison, individual or ..lone wolf' violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence, and other faces of the phenomena of violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence that the Commission considers important.

..(2) Build upon and bring together the work of other entities and avoid unnecessary duplication, by reviewing the findings, conclusions, and recommendations of--

..(A) the Center of Excellence established or designated under section 899D, and other academic work, as appropriate;

..(B) Federal, State, local, or tribal studies of, reviews of, and experiences with violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence; and

..(C) foreign government studies of, reviews of, and experiences with violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence.

Section 899D of the bill establishes a Center of Excellence for the Study of Violent Radicalization and Homegrown Terrorism in the United States. Essentially, this will be a Department of Homeland Security affiliated institution that will study and determine how to defeat thought criminals.

Section 899E of the bill discusses how the government is going to defeat violent radicalization and homegrown terrorism through international cooperation.

Possibly the most ridiculous section of the bill is Section 899F which states how they plan on protecting civil rights and civil liberties while preventing ideologically based violence and homegrown terrorism. Here is what the section says.


..(a) In General- The Department of Homeland Security's efforts to prevent ideologically-based violence and homegrown terrorism as described herein shall not violate the constitutional rights, civil rights, and civil liberties of United States citizens and lawful permanent residents.

..(b) Commitment to Racial Neutrality- The Secretary shall ensure that the activities and operations of the entities created by this subtitle are in compliance with the Department of Homeland Security's commitment to racial neutrality.

..(c) Auditing Mechanism- The Civil Rights and Civil Liberties Officer of the Department of Homeland Security will develop and implement an auditing mechanism to ensure that compliance with this subtitle does not result in a disproportionate impact, without a rational basis, on any particular race, ethnicity, or religion and include the results of its audit in its annual report to Congress required under section 705.'.

(b) Clerical Amendment- The table of contents in section 1(b) of such Act is amended by inserting at the end of the items relating to title VIII the following:

It states in the first subsection that in general the efforts to defeat thought crime shall not violate the constitutional rights, civil rights and civil liberties of the United States citizens and lawful permanent residents. How does this protect constitutional rights if they use vague language such as in general that prefaces the statement? This means that the Department of Homeland Security does not have to abide by the Constitution in their attempts to prevent so called homegrown terrorism.

This bill is completely insane. It literally allows the government to define any and all crimes including thought crime as violent radicalization and homegrown terrorism. Obviously, this legislation is unconstitutional on a number of levels and it is clear that all 404 representatives who voted in favor of this bill are traitors and should be removed from office immediately. The treason spans both political parties and it shows us all that there is no difference between them. The bill will go on to the Senate and will likely be passed and signed into the law by George W. Bush.


29 October 2007

wanna go shopping?

this makes me so sad inside. i swiped this from ms. liberty's boy. and i'm passing it on.

"Amitosh concentrates as he pulls the loops of thread through tiny plastic beads and sequins on the toddler's blouse he is making. Dripping with sweat, his hair is thinly coated in dust. In Hindi his name means 'happiness'. The hand-embroidered garment on which his tiny needle is working bears the distinctive logo of international fashion chain Gap. Amitosh is 10.

The hardships that blight his young life, exposed by an undercover Observer investigation in the back streets of New Delhi, reveal a tragic consequence of the West's demand for cheap clothing. It exposes how, despite Gap's rigorous social audit systems launched in 2004 to weed out child labour in its production processes, the system is being abused by unscrupulous subcontractors. The result is that children, in this case working in conditions close to slavery, appear to still be making some of its clothes."
"'I was bought from my parents' village in [the northern state of] Bihar and taken to New Delhi by train,' he says. 'The men came looking for us in July. They had loudspeakers in the back of a car and told my parents that, if they sent me to work in the city, they won't have to work in the farms. My father was paid a fee for me and I was brought down with 40 other children. The journey took 30 hours and we weren't fed. I've been told I have to work off the fee the owner paid for me so I can go home, but I am working for free. I am a shaagird [a pupil]. The supervisor has told me because I am learning I don't get paid. It has been like this for four months.'

The derelict industrial unit in which Amitosh and half a dozen other children are working is smeared in filth, the corridors flowing with excrement from a flooded toilet.

Behind the youngsters huge piles of garments labelled Gap - complete with serial numbers for a new line that Gap concedes it has ordered for sale later in the year - lie completed in polythene sacks, with official packaging labels, all for export to Europe and the United States in time for Christmas.

Jivaj, who is from West Bengal and looks around 12, told The Observer that some of the boys in the sweatshop had been badly beaten. 'Our hours are hard and violence is used against us if we don't work hard enough. This is a big order for abroad, they keep telling us that."
"Gap has huge contracts in India, which boasts one of the world's fastest-growing economies. But over the past decade, India has also become the world capital for child labour. According to the UN, child labour contributes an estimated 20 per cent of India's gross national product with 55 million children aged from five to 14 employed across the business and domestic sectors.

'Gap may be one of the best-known fashion brands with a public commitment to social responsibility, but the employment [by subcontractors ultimately supplying major international retail chains] of bonded child slaves as young as 10 in India's illegal sweatshops tells a different story,' says Bhuwan Ribhu, a Delhi lawyer and activist for the Global March Against Child Labour.

'The reality is that most major retail firms are in the same game, cutting costs and not considering the consequences. They should know by now what outsourcing to India means.

'It is an impossible task to track down all of these terrible sweatshops, particularly in the garment industry when you need little more than a basement or an attic crammed with small children to make a healthy profit.

'Some owners even hide the children in sacks and in carefully concealed mezzanine floors designed to dodge such raids,' he explains.

'Employing cheap labour without proper auditing and investigation of your contractor inevitably means children will be used somewhere along the chain. This may not be what they want to hear as they pull off fresh clothes from clean racks in stores but shoppers in the West should be thinking "Why am I only paying £30 for a hand-embroidered top. Who made it for such little cost? Is this top stained with a child's sweat?" That's what they need to ask themselves."

Read the full article by Dan McDougall



as fate would have it...

i got this little ditty in the form of a bulletin over on myspace, shortly after yesterday's post. i really can't get my brain around who would think of such things to write - as if the woman portrayed in the piece below was somehow godless and deserved to be raped? and that first line is a whole other mess i won't get into. such fear. :( check it out:

A girl went to a party in Sexy clothes and

she ended up staying longer than

planned, her boyfriend got drunk and passed out


had to walk home alone. She wasn't


because it was a small town and she lived



few blocks away around the corner of 4th & 16th.

As she walked along passing "McDonalds"

Mary asked God to keep her safe from




When she reached the alley, which was a


cut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she



man standing at the end as though he



for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray,



God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness


security wrapped round her, she felt as


someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley,


walked right past the man and arrived



The following day, she read in the



a young girl had been raped in the same



twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and



that it could have been her, she began to


Thanking the Lord for her safety and to



young woman, she decided to go to the



She felt she could recognize the man, so



them her story.

The police asked her if she would be

willing to


at a lineup to see if she could identify


She agreed and immediately pointed out



she had seen in the alley the night


When the man was told he had been



immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Mary for her bravery


asked if there was anything they could do



She asked if they would ask the man one


Mary was curious as to why he had not



When the policeman asked him, he

answered, "Because she wasn't alone.



two tall men walking on either side of


Amazingly, whether you believe or not,


never alone. Did you know that 98% of


will not stand up for God?

Repost this as (your city) if you truly




PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what

"If you deny me in front of your friends, I shall deny you in front of my Father"

STAND UP FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

98% wont post this

repost this with your city


28 October 2007

praise the lord!

but only for big hurricanes, not big fires. so al qaeda may have been responsible for the california fires, but GOD is responsible for the new orleans hurricane.

given the articles i read on a daily basis, it is rather difficult to leave me speechless at this point. i thought i'd share a snippet of one such thing that managed to render me wordless, emphasis mine:

"In 2005, while the bodies were still being fished out of flooded homes in New Orleans, Republican Congressman Richard Baker praised The Lord for his mercy. “We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn’t do it, but God did,” he said about the removal of the poor from the project near the French Quarter much coveted by speculators."

seriously, people elected this dude? this senetor REALLY is the voice of the people? we've got trouble. right here in river city.

palast goes on to say:

"But as this week’s flames spread, no Republican Congressman cried, “Burn baby burn!” to praise the Lord for cleaning up them ‘Boo, the sin-and-surf playground of Hollywood luvvies."

hmmmmmm. go figure.

the rest of the article is here.

while i've got your ear, for the record, this illustrates exactly why i have no god.

which of all of these folks proclaiming that their god is the "right" god, is right? how could anyone possibly know? pick an organized religion, any religion - you've got folks from across the board aligning themselves with one another, under one common term, yet no one can seem to agree. i mean, which curtain is the nice god behind? if god is out there somewhere, an oldoldold wise man sitting high atop a lofty cloud planning his next massacre on poor people, telling bush to invade iraq, blah blah blah, i want no. part. of. it.

don't feed the animals.


25 October 2007

i heart free speech. even when they lie.

fox news is reporting that AL-QAEDA started those fires in california. AL QAEDA?!?!? what the hell? IT WAS IRAN!

geez. do i have to do EVERYTHING around here?


22 October 2007

she's CRAFTY!

uh huh. that's right. take THAT, martha stewart! i embarked on a little decoupage adventure this morning instead of studying and just finished up! 'cause sometimes, that's just what ya gotta do.

someone in the apartments up the street threw out a little bookcase (THANK YOU, NEIGHBOR!!!!) and we snagged it on our way by last night. i cleaned it up, and ripped the falling-apart-backing off of it. it looked so blank and sad. so....

bebe has a favorite book that he's liked to read since he was very wee. the bee bee baby bird. his first copy, needless to say, got VERY loved. after i'd pretty much taped every page back together, we got him a new copy. i decided to cut the pictures and words from the loved copy and apply them to the new bookcase! voila!

check it out!


21 October 2007

as if you need another blog

to read. :) i must insist that you head on over to holly's place. good stuff there - lots of it! in a recent post, she linked to the following article that i'm going to swipe from her - 'cause i think it's fitting for wherever one may fall in the spectrum:

Your Politics Are Boring As Fuck

by Nadia C.
Face it, your politics are boring as fuck.

You know it's true. Otherwise, why does everyone cringe when you say the word? Why has attendance at your anarcho-communist theory discussion group meetings fallen to an all-time low? Why has the oppressed proletariat not come to its senses and joined you in your fight for world liberation?

Perhaps, after years of struggling to educate them about their victimhood, you have come to blame them for their condition. They must want to be ground under the heel of capitalist imperialism; otherwise, why do they show no interest in your political causes? Why haven't they joined you yet in chaining yourself to mahogany furniture, chanting slogans at carefully planned and orchestrated protests, and frequenting anarchist bookshops? Why haven't they sat down and learned all the terminology necessary for a genuine understanding of the complexities of Marxist economic theory?

The truth is, your politics are boring to them because they really are irrelevant. They know that your antiquated styles of protest—your marches, hand held signs, and gatherings—are now powerless to effect real change because they have become such a predictable part of the status quo. They know that your post-Marxist jargon is off-putting because it really is a language of mere academic dispute, not a weapon capable of undermining systems of control. They know that your infighting, your splinter groups and endless quarrels over ephemeral theories can never effect any real change in the world they experience from day to day. They know that no matter who is in office, what laws are on the books, what "ism"s the intellectuals march under, the content of their lives will remain the same. They—we—know that our boredom is proof that these "politics" are not the key to any real transformation of life. For our lives are boring enough already!

And you know it too. For how many of you is politics a responsibility? Something you engage in because you feel you should, when in your heart of hearts there are a million things you would rather be doing? Your volunteer work—is it your most favorite pastime, or do you do it out of a sense of obligation? Why do you think it is so hard to motivate others to volunteer as you do? Could it be that it is, above all, a feeling of guilt that drives you to fulfill your "duty" to be politically active? Perhaps you spice up your "work" by trying (consciously or not) to get in trouble with the authorities, to get arrested: not because it will practically serve your cause, but to make things more exciting, to recapture a little of the romance of turbulent times now long past. Have you ever felt that you were participating in a ritual, a long-established tradition of fringe protest, that really serves only to strengthen the position of the mainstream? Have you ever secretly longed to escape from the stagnation and boredom of your political "responsibilities"?

It's no wonder that no one has joined you in your political endeavors. Perhaps you tell yourself that it's tough, thankless work, but somebody's got to do it. The answer is, well, NO.

You actually do us all a real disservice with your tiresome, tedious politics. For in fact, there is nothing more important than politics. NOT the politics of American "democracy" and law, of who is elected state legislator to sign the same bills and perpetuate the same system. Not the politics of the "I got involved with the radical left because I enjoy quibbling over trivial details and writing rhetorically about an unreachable utopia" anarchist. Not the politics of any leader or ideology that demands that you make sacrifices for "the cause." But the politics of our everyday lives. When you separate politics from the immediate, everyday experiences of individual men and women, it becomes completely irrelevant. Indeed, it becomes the private domain of wealthy, comfortable intellectuals, who can trouble themselves with such dreary, theoretical things. When you involve yourself in politics out of a sense of obligation, and make political action into a dull responsibility rather than an exciting game that is worthwhile for its own sake, you scare away people whose lives are already far too dull for any more tedium. When you make politics into a lifeless thing, a joyless thing, a dreadful responsibility, it becomes just another weight upon people, rather than a means to lift weight from people. And thus you ruin the idea of politics for the people to whom it should be most important. For everyone has a stake in considering their lives, in asking themselves what they want out of life and how they can get it. But you make politics look to them like a miserable, self-referential, pointless middle class/bohemian game, a game with no relevance to the real lives they are living out.

What should be political? Whether we enjoy what we do to get food and shelter. Whether we feel like our daily interactions with our friends, neighbors, and coworkers are fulfilling. Whether we have the opportunity to live each day the way we desire to. And "politics" should consist not of merely discussing these questions, but of acting directly to improve our lives in the immediate present. Acting in a way that is itself entertaining, exciting, joyous—because political action that is tedious, tiresome, and oppressive can only perpetuate tedium, fatigue, and oppression in our lives. No more time should be wasted debating over issues that will be irrelevant when we must go to work again the next day. No more predictable ritual protests that the authorities know all too well how to deal with; no more boring ritual protests which will not sound like a thrilling way to spend a Saturday afternoon to potential volunteers—clearly, those won't get us anywhere. Never again shall we "sacrifice ourselves for the cause." For we ourselves, happiness in our own lives and the lives of our fellows, must be our cause!

After we make politics relevant and exciting, the rest will follow. But from a dreary, merely theoretical and/or ritualized politics, nothing valuable can follow. This is not to say that we should show no interest in the welfare of humans, animals, or ecosystems that do not contact us directly in our day to day existence. But the foundation of our politics must be concrete: it must be immediate, it must be obvious to everyone why it is worth the effort, it must be fun in itself. How can we do positive things for others if we ourselves do not enjoy our own lives?

To make this concrete for a moment: an afternoon of collecting food from businesses that would have thrown it away and serving it to hungry people and people who are tired of working to pay for food—that is good political action, but only if you enjoy it. If you do it with your friends, if you meet new friends while you're doing it, if you fall in love or trade funny stories or just feel proud to have helped a woman by easing her financial needs, that's good political action. On the other hand, if you spend the afternoon typing an angry letter to an obscure leftist tabloid objecting to a columnist's use of the term "anarcho-syndicalist," that's not going to accomplish shit, and you know it.

Perhaps it is time for a new word for "politics," since you have made such a swear word out of the old one. For no one should be put off when we talk about acting together to improve our lives. And so we present to you our demands, which are non-negotiable, and must be met as soon as possible—because we're not going to live forever, are we?

1. Make politics relevant to our everyday experience of life again. The farther away the object of our political concern, the less it will mean to us, the less real and pressing it will seem to us, and the more wearisome politics will be.

2. All political activity must be joyous and exciting in itself. You cannot escape from dreariness with more dreariness.

3. To accomplish those first two steps, entirely new political approaches and methods must be created. The old ones are outdated, outmoded. Perhaps they were NEVER any good, and that's why our world is the way it is now.

4. Enjoy yourselves! There is never any excuse for being bored . . . or boring!

Join us in making the "revolution" a game; a game played for the highest stakes of all, but a joyous, carefree game nonetheless!


new poem

they are few and far between these days, but one came out last night. here it be.

it's time

it's time the trees liberate
their leaves
so they can rough and tumble down
the half-moon-lit street.

it's time for these blustery gusts
of wind
to swipe over more
than unassuming house plants
dwelling outdoors
for the warmer months.

those who want to live,
and those who want to die,



19 October 2007


i now have an appointment with a surgeon - rumor has it, she is THE stuff. i feel much better, things are progressing - i don't feel so in limbo. apparently the nurse that called me back yesterday afternoon is married to my doctor and she called him at home. he called right away. of course, as fate would have it, i was taking the time to cry my eyes out while bebe and will went to the park. i'm sure he thinks i'm a total freak. whatever.

thanks again, everyone. i feel the support raging through these electric veins. and it makes me feel happy inside and less afraid.

i got home from class last night to learn that bush is now threatening world war III. as the last several days have managed to blur together quite nicely, i actually forgot about that tool for a few minutes. that will learn me. i turn my back for one second and he's waxing philosophical about blowing up the world, throwing it into a state of war. perfect. lovely. we still have a year in which he can attempt to accomplish his idiotic pursuits. i'm so tired of this 'do as i say not as i do' mentality. we can have weapons of mass destruction and use them, but you can't. we can try and develop nuclear power, but you can't. and if you do...


18 October 2007


i can't begin to thank you all enough for your kind words on yesterday's post! it means the world to me... i feel like i've been crying all day.

bebe did great. there was a buzz lightyear there that he was able to take back with him when they took him. we got one quick glance over the shoulder and he was off, pushing buzz's lazer button all the way down the hall. i, on the other hand, made a beeline for the pisser and cried for 10 minutes.

coming out of it was difficult for him. i'd prepared him for what was going to happen until they took him, but not after. he was crying so hard when we got to him in recovery, he was close to hyperventilating. he managed to choke out, "mommy, i want to go home now." and so we did. his whole little world was set topsy turvy! he was only out for about 30 minutes.

i'm so glad this was all done at a hospital, though. fade, she'll be in good hands. and since she's older, it may be easier for her, ya know? definitely take the little pre-op tour party thing they should offer you. we don't have dental insurance, but our medical covered the hospital portion. i think. they told me it would on the phone... we shall see.

my results of my mammogram and ultrasound were waiting for me in the mailbox when we got home. the radiologist sent them to me, with his recommendations. through the huge medical words, i made out category 4 and serious and IMMEDIATE BIOPSY. i couldn't get my doc or a nurse on the line, so i went scrounging about to decipher it on my own. basically, a category 5 is a definite malignancy, cancer. 4 is no bueno. more tears. i called again and left another message. i finally got a call from a nurse. she wanted to schedule another procedure, due to a pap coming back bad again. she didn't even mention the radiology results. i asked her about it and asked why the doctor hadn't called me when he got the results. if it took two days to get here in the mail... she said it was in his inbox, but he hadn't gotten to it yet. (?!?!) she said his nurse would call me. she said they might bypass the biopsy and just remove it. i want it gone. now. i waited all afternoon for the call that never came and then left for school to take my midterm exam. more tears.

i'm scared. and angry that this hasn't been monitored more closely and that i pretty much had to press them into taking a closer look. i'm pissed that i wasn't called, that i had to read this scary ass letter first. it's probably better if i don't write about it anymore tonight. i need distance. and i desperately need sleep.


16 October 2007


...has to be put under tomorrow morning for dental work. i'm not feeling so brave.

(awesome pic taken by pam. who is going to return to us in bloglandia someday. hint hint wink wink.)



08 October 2007

happy columbus day!


02 October 2007

in my typical fashion

i'm jumping to conclusions. i've been participating in a mindfulness program at school, and i've been trying hard today to stay in the moment and acknowledge that i'am scared without letting my brain get too far ahead of me.


already, i digress.

i had a doctor's appointment this morning, run of the mill thing. i have a lump in one breast that has been there since i was 18. i found another in the other one several weeks ago. i went in and had it looked at. i saw the CNP and she suggested we just go ahead and drain them after bebe weaned completely.

today, the doc felt them and said he wanted to aspirate them. after several minutes of painful poking and prodding about in both and not being able to get anything out, he suggested i have a mammogram and sonogram, as soon as possible. he did say he wasn't too worried about the one that has been there for so long, but he seemed pretty alarmed that he couldn't draw any fluid out. i have no idea what this means. all i know is that i had a horrible visceral response after he left the room. i just started crying and didn't stop until i got home - all the while trying to drive. and be mindful. i wasn't very successful.

does anyone know anything about this stuff? i'm hesitant to go poking about the internets, 'cause i'm bound to find horror stories that i don't need to read right now... the soonest they can get me in is next week. never has a week felt like an eternity.

i do know that 80% of the time, it is nothing scary. yet, in my typical fashion, all of the things that go through one's mind at the thought of not being on the planet anymore are making the rounds. am i living as fully as i possibly could - or is life living me? i try to, but the fact is no. things are too hectic, too busy around here. too many outside forces are playing too large a role in our lives. i'm so tired of the city. i want to be by the ocean and the trees. i want to be where the air is clean, where the pace is slower, where i feel safe. i want to be in a community, in the truest sense of the word. i want to be surrounded by people that are striving for truth and beauty and love - a better way for the earth and her people.

granted, i've done more in my 34 years than many have, but it isn't enough. i can't bear the thought of leaving bebe and boo at this point of my life. the thought brings me to tears. i can't think about it. i won't.

intellectually, i know that life is a big cycle, the surest part of being born is dying. but damn if it doesn't make it any easier. people keel off everyday that have things they want to do. why should i be any different? i feel a level of guilt that i should even be hoping it isn't something bad - when for so many women it is bad. i also know that i'm most likely thinking too much into all of this. forgive me, it is just too new. mindfulness, mindfulness.

this i know: i need more carpe diem in my/our life. i have shit to do still. and worse case scenario, oh, tricksey gods of fate, i shall take dylan thomas' words as my guide,
"do not go gentle into that good night - rage, rage against the dying of the light."
now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

only positive thoughts from here on,



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