02 October 2007

in my typical fashion

i'm jumping to conclusions. i've been participating in a mindfulness program at school, and i've been trying hard today to stay in the moment and acknowledge that i'am scared without letting my brain get too far ahead of me.


already, i digress.

i had a doctor's appointment this morning, run of the mill thing. i have a lump in one breast that has been there since i was 18. i found another in the other one several weeks ago. i went in and had it looked at. i saw the CNP and she suggested we just go ahead and drain them after bebe weaned completely.

today, the doc felt them and said he wanted to aspirate them. after several minutes of painful poking and prodding about in both and not being able to get anything out, he suggested i have a mammogram and sonogram, as soon as possible. he did say he wasn't too worried about the one that has been there for so long, but he seemed pretty alarmed that he couldn't draw any fluid out. i have no idea what this means. all i know is that i had a horrible visceral response after he left the room. i just started crying and didn't stop until i got home - all the while trying to drive. and be mindful. i wasn't very successful.

does anyone know anything about this stuff? i'm hesitant to go poking about the internets, 'cause i'm bound to find horror stories that i don't need to read right now... the soonest they can get me in is next week. never has a week felt like an eternity.

i do know that 80% of the time, it is nothing scary. yet, in my typical fashion, all of the things that go through one's mind at the thought of not being on the planet anymore are making the rounds. am i living as fully as i possibly could - or is life living me? i try to, but the fact is no. things are too hectic, too busy around here. too many outside forces are playing too large a role in our lives. i'm so tired of the city. i want to be by the ocean and the trees. i want to be where the air is clean, where the pace is slower, where i feel safe. i want to be in a community, in the truest sense of the word. i want to be surrounded by people that are striving for truth and beauty and love - a better way for the earth and her people.

granted, i've done more in my 34 years than many have, but it isn't enough. i can't bear the thought of leaving bebe and boo at this point of my life. the thought brings me to tears. i can't think about it. i won't.

intellectually, i know that life is a big cycle, the surest part of being born is dying. but damn if it doesn't make it any easier. people keel off everyday that have things they want to do. why should i be any different? i feel a level of guilt that i should even be hoping it isn't something bad - when for so many women it is bad. i also know that i'm most likely thinking too much into all of this. forgive me, it is just too new. mindfulness, mindfulness.

this i know: i need more carpe diem in my/our life. i have shit to do still. and worse case scenario, oh, tricksey gods of fate, i shall take dylan thomas' words as my guide,
"do not go gentle into that good night - rage, rage against the dying of the light."
now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

only positive thoughts from here on,



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