a little of this, a little of that... and quotes, quotes quotes!
late last night, early this morning, i decided to try that "next blog" button on blogger. i couldn't sleep and bebe was snoozing away. i looked at 50 + blogs and found a handful that were picture sites advertising so-called "HOTT" CHICKS, a few were in languages that i can't even begin to navigate, a few more were your basic day to day journals - but over 80% of them made mention of the author feeling depressed and anxious and alone while being surrounded by family and friends that love them in posts specifically dedicated to that topic.
of course, i became deeply saddened. this culture seems to breed this in us, this organic response to how empty and messed up it all can be at the core - BUY! BUY! BUY! ME! ME! ME! NOW! NOW! NOW! YOU AREN'T COOL IF YOU DON'T DO IT! WAR? WHAT WAR? WOOO-HOO! *snap snap* LOOK OVER HERE INSTEAD! IT'S A HUGE SALE! terrorists are coming to get us, the middle class is slowly disappearing, the economy is "great," but we're all a paycheck away from the streets. there is a "war" on all the wrong things. we live in a disposable world, where even life (in the most encompassing sense of the word - on every level) is also disposable. you get my drift.
so i stopped clicking the next button and went to my favorite links instead. this caught my eye first, in a comments section:
Have a problem you are dealing with? Pick up a book, any book. Close your eyes. Open it to a random page, put your finger on it and read those few words.
Be honest about interpreting what is there, this is where a lot of people get in trouble with that because they are always looking for something that favors them. (i'm saying not where, simply because the author of the comment was actually being fairly mean in his string of different comments that came one right after the other. but who he is really doesn't matter. you'll see. he is simply the vehicle.)
on and off - over the past couple of months - i've been reading,manifesta: young women, feminism, and the future. when i woke today, there it sat. taunting me. i remembered the above comment. i picked up the book, closed my eyes, opened it and let my finger fall. this is what was there, a quote from alice walker: "whenever i have walked a path has appeared, whenever i have knocked a door has opened."
i'm walking... i'm knocking... and synchronicity has always seemed to favor me, so be it.
*** on that note...
a new blog is in the works and i'm hoping that you all can help me get the word out - AND help me get it going. i don't know how i'll be able to accomplish what i need to do so that people will be able to post their own entries, i imagine sometimes anonymously - i think there is a guest blogger way to do that? or maybe i could have people email me their stories and i could post them? i'm getting ahead of myself... here's the basic idea.
i've been thinking a lot lately, ever since finding out about my friend's attack, about silence. audre lorde once said, "your silence won't save you" and i believe that with every inch of me. my subsequent digging into violence, (specifically sexual violence against women) and finding out that only16% of rapes are ever reported - AND that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 men will be sexually assaulted before the age of 18 equates to there being a massive void of silence where all of these stories fall. with statistics like these - we all know someone, or many someones, that have been violated and attacked. yet, we never hardly seem to hear about them or from them.
i would like to create a safe space for women to share their stories - and have links available in which people can go to for further information or help - all the while being open to be viewed by whomever should pass through. i know that some won't want to share their identities and i understand completely. i'm just at a loss at this point on how the stories can be posted up anonymously, by the author herself/himself...
so that's that. if you have any suggestions for me, please do share!
this first snippet needs the set up. he was speaking at his son's school graduation and he had promised him that he would "be good." as he approached the stage to speak, he noted the collection of suits flanking the podium - the hierarchy of the school and prominent businessmen, ".....well something inside of me snapped. And I got to the microphone and I looked out over that multitude of faces and I said something to the effect of: 'You are about to be told one more time that you are America's most valuable natural resource..... Have you seen what they do to valuable natural resources?! Have you seen a strip mine? Have you seen a clear cut in the forest? Have you seen a polluted river? Don't ever let them call you a valuable natural resource... they're going to strip your mind.. your soul...they're going to clear cut your best thoughts for the sake of profit unless you learn to resist. "Cause the profit system follows the path of least resistance and following the path of least resistance is what makes the river crooked. Hmmmm...."
this next one always gets me, right to the core:
"the stories I tell don't just come out of my own life. many of them come to me from my elders. i strained to hear them through the roar of my own ego, my own needs and desires. but when i became quiet and open to the thoughts and feelings of my elders, i learned that my life-story deepens, grows richer, by taking in the stories of those who have led extraordinary lives, lives that can never be lived again. except in memory - through mine, through yours - as the fragments of our story - lives mix and blend into a common whole, the great river of our collective memory of which we are all a part and into which each one of us will, some day, dissolve."
and finally,
i have a good friend in the east, a good singer and a good folk singer...who comes and listens to my shows and says you always sing about the past, you can’t live in the past. and i say to him, i can go outside and pick up a rock, that’s older than the oldest song you know and bring it back in here and drop it on your foot. the past didn’t go anywhere. it’s right here, right now.
and with a whole world full of things that need writing about, at that!laila and little yousufare still in egypt waiting to get home to gaza.oaxaca needs my attention. our president is the worst in the history of the u.s. AND acriminal. darfur. global warming is getting a day in court. and yet, i feel like if i write about any of those things today, i will break down into a sobbing, muddled mess. i. just. can't. today.
i'm going to go live in the past for a minute - want to come?
years and years ago, back when i was still make-up kara, a friend said to me, "why is it that when i need to go to the store for bread and milk, i go to the store, get my bread and milk, and go home - but when you go to the store for bread and milk, it just so happens that the circus is in town and you come home with bread, milk, and a monkey?"
what happened to me? i'm not even kidding you, while i never really did come home with a monkey (how cool would THAT be?), i always seemed to attract or at least be in the near vicinity of some pretty random, wild, and sometimes funny, even enlightening stuff! no more.
in fact, i've been spending the day trying to figure out what to write while bebe naps. this is what i've got so far:
has my worst fear come to roost? has my brain gone stagnant? ohgoodgod, please say it ain't so! where is clever, funny, always the detective getting to the bottom of things kara gone?!?!? I WANT HER BACK! ok. deep breath.
people used to flock to the bar on the nights that i'd work in search of the latest adventures and or the political ramblings of kara. and i always had one or two that had come about over the course of the prior few days, without fail. if not, something would always surely find us at the bar.
here's an example. true story.
will and i decided to watch the film 'waking life' one sunday eve. (if you haven't seen this film, you should. AND if you haven't, you might wanna scoot on over to that link and read a bit about it before proceeding for future reference.). i was blown away. the conversation following the film went something like this:
me: that was AWESOME! i can't believe i waited so long to watch it! (i then continued to prattle on for several minutes about all of the theories - what is real? are we all really just constantly dreaming? etc.) so what did you think?
will: it was pretty good.
me: just pretty good?
will: didn't you talk about all of that with your friends when you were younger?
me: huh? are you kidding? our conversations consisted of makeup, hair, clothes, television and boys! (i think it was then that i was terrified to have a daughter someday)
will: really? we used to spend hours talking about philosophical questions, almost daily. (now i was feeling horribly slighted that these topics never even came up)
but i digress.
at the time, i worked the 5pm -3am shift where i'd do double duty as the manager/bartender. it was a cool little hole in the wall for the area that it was located in - the country club plaza - or as i like to call it, the plazie. or huge outdoor strip mall with o.k. architecture (this one always made my boss cringe). the plaza used to be almost cool. it was more of a community - with a grocer, gas station, corner drug store, locally owned biz, etc. -- now it's just a gigantic mall, 90% filled with store you can find in any city of america. touristy types loved it for the upscale shopping and dining. i loved it because it was a perfect place for me to rabble rouse. plus i got to play psychologist daily. :) we also had a fair amount of regulars that lived in one of the many apartment buildings nearby. a few years ago, i figured out that it had once been a huge area for pig farming. how perfect! some things never change... anyhoo - "my" bar was laid back in comparison of the rest of the establishments. i worked there for 10 years.
but back to the monday following my seeing waking life. (are you getting a sense of how speaking with me in person might go?) i'd long been interested in dreams, especially the jungian theory of them - that the unconscious uses our dreams as a way to introduce something into our consciousness.
i woke up monday after a night of surreal dreams that i can't quite recall - but i found myself stuck in them. three deep. each time, i'd begin to dream lucidly and tell myself that i needed to wake up. i'd think i'd awoken, only to realize that i was still dreaming. i finally did wake up. i went about my normal routine, feeling as if i were still asleep and dreaming. so i did as the film suggested several times before leaving the house - i flipped a light switch. supposedly, if you are in a dream state, the lights won't turn on or off when the switch is flipped. i headed up to my neighborhood coffee house to read and chit chat before heading into work. it was summer, so i could sit out on the patio for a bit and acclimate.
at the coffee house, all sorts of happenings made me want to search for light switches. the barista asked me if i'd ever seen waking life as she was making my decaf mocha. as it had come out at least 3 years before i'd seen it, i laughed and said, "yeah, last night." i told her i wasn't sure if i was still asleep or if i was awake. she said the film had done the same thing to her.
overheard conversations found me hearing two other couples, sitting at different tables at opposite ends of the patio, talking about their dreams.
finally, on to work. a couple that had recently moved into town and had become regulars showed up shortly after my shift began. they were just popping in to say hi - they were out for a walk. i asked how they were doing and the guy said that he'd felt like he'd been asleep and dreaming all day and had i ever seen the film waking life? yeah, i know! i walked right over to the box that we kept peanuts in and flipped the heat lamp switch on and off. we all got a good laugh and i said, "let me tell ya about my day."the odds, the odds... kinda gives some credence to the idea of the collective unconscious, eh?
1 a.m. -- it's been a slow night. an older guy came in that i'd never seen before. he had an odd look in his eyes and a presence that showed up before he did. he was american indian, with this gorgeous black hair down to his waist. he came up to the bar and checked out the people sitting on either side of him. long and slow like. then he looked at me. i said, "hi, what can i get you?" "beer." "any particular flavor?" "bud." i poured him a draw, made change and he muttered thanks and headed out to the patio. everyone was weirded out, but for some reason, i wasn't.
i watched him pull a chair from a table and put the back of it up against the fence, facing the patio door. there was one other table on the patio, full of regulars that came in every monday night after their shift at some sort of psychiatric facility for kids. they were to his left. he just stared at them as he drank. several minutes passed and i looked out again. he looked like he'd fallen asleep, sitting up, beer in hand. i turned around and through the open door i heard i heard glass shattering. the man still looked to be asleep, but there was broken glass everywhere around him, as if the beer glass had imploded. my co-worker, knowing i was heading out to see what had happened told me i'd better just call security, that he was scary. i didn't.
when i got to him, there was glass all over his hand and scattered around him. it was as if the glass had shattered in his hand from him squeezing it too hard. i kneeled down in front of him and sort of pushed his knee, saying "hey, mister, are you ok?" he stirred a bit and started mumbling in a language that i didn't understand. i repeated myself and pushed his knee a bit more. he opened his eyes and continued to speak the language to me. when he took a breath, i told him that i wanted to look at his hand, that his glass broke and i wanted to be sure that he was ok. he looked completely frightened. i told him that everything was ok, i just wanted to be sure he wasn't cut.
he held his hand up to me and as i was checking it over he said, "am i woken?"
seriously, time stopped for a split second. i said, "yeah, you're woken. and you don't seem to be hurt. that's good, huh?" then he says, "are you an angel?" to this i laughed, "well, i'd like to think so, but there's a whole bar full of people in there that would say otherwise!" he smiled. i asked him where he lived, if he needed me to get him a cab. he asked if i was going to call the police. "now why would i call the police?" "lots of people are scared of me. they call the police." "well, i'm not scared of you. you think i'm an angel, after all. and you haven't done anything wrong." he told me he was just passing through, that he wasn't from here, that he wasn't sure where he was going. then he said he should leave. i made him a cup of coffee to take with him. after he left, i switched the peanut light switch again, just to be sure.
we are all connected.
even to these dudes:
p/s - planned parenthood is giving away freeectomorrow. spread the word. word.
You are beyond wise. You are so smart, you're almost prophetic.
Your inner voice always speaks the truth, and you take the time to listen to it.
You are good at seeing who people are... including the darkness of others.
As a result, you tend to have a rather dark - yet realistic - outlook on life.
A: Carbon dioxide and other air pollution that is collecting in the atmosphere like a thickening blanket, trapping the sun's heat and causing the planet to warm up. Coal-burning power plants are the largest U.S. source of carbon dioxide pollution -- they produce 2.5 billion tons every year. Automobiles, the second largest source, create nearly 1.5 billion tons of CO2 annually.
Q: Is the earth really getting hotter?
A: Yes. Although local temperatures fluctuate naturally, over the past 50 years the average global temperature has increased at the fastest rate in recorded history. And experts think the trend is accelerating: the 10 hottest years on record have all occurred since 1990. Scientists say that unless we curb global warming emissions, average U.S. temperatures could be 3 to 9 degrees higher by the end of the century.
Q: Are warmer temperatures causing bad things to happen?
A: Global warming is already causing damage in many parts of the United States. In 2002, Colorado, Arizona and Oregon endured their worst wildfire seasons ever. The same year, drought created severe dust storms in Montana, Colorado and Kansas, and floods caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damage in Texas, Montana and North Dakota. Since the early 1950s, snow accumulation has declined 60 percent and winter seasons have shortened in some areas of the Cascade Range in Oregon and Washington. Of course, the impacts of global warming are not limited to the United States. In 2003, extreme heat waves caused more than 20,000 deaths in Europe and more than 1,500 deaths in India. And in what scientists regard as an alarming sign of events to come, the area of the Arctic's perennial polar ice cap is declining at the rate of 9 percent per decade.
Q: Is global warming making hurricanes worse?
A: Global warming doesn't create hurricanes, but it does make them stronger and more dangerous. Because the ocean is getting warmer, tropical storms can pick up more energy and become more powerful. So global warming could turn, say, a category 3 storm into a much more dangerous category 4 storm. In fact, scientists have found that the destructive potential of hurricanes has greatly increased along with ocean temperature over the past 35 years.
Q: Is there really cause for serious concern?
A: Yes. Global warming is a complex phenomenon, and its full-scale impacts are hard to predict far in advance. But each year scientists learn more about how global warming is affecting the planet, and many agree that certain consequences are likely to occur if current trends continue. Among these:
1. Melting glaciers, early snowmelt and severe droughts will cause more dramatic water shortages in the American West.
2. Rising sea levels will lead to coastal flooding on the Eastern seaboard, in Florida, and in other areas, such as the Gulf of Mexico.
3. Warmer sea surface temperatures will fuel more intense hurricanes in the southeastern Atlantic and Gulf coasts.
4. Forests, farms and cities will face troublesome new pests and more mosquito-borne diseases.
5. Disruption of habitats such as coral reefs and alpine meadows could drive many plant and animal species to extinction.
Q: Could global warming trigger a sudden catastrophe?
A: Recently, researchers -- and even the U.S. Defense Department -- have investigated the possibility of abrupt climate change, in which gradual global warming triggers a sudden shift in the earth's climate, causing parts of the world to dramatically heat up or cool down in the span of a few years.
Q: What country is the largest source of global warming pollution?
A: The United States. Though Americans make up just 4 percent of the world's population, we produce 25 percent of the carbon dioxide pollution from fossil-fuel burning -- by far the largest share of any country. In fact, the United States emits more carbon dioxide than China, India and Japan, combined. Clearly America ought to take a leadership role in solving the problem. And as the world's top developer of new technologies, we are well positioned to do so -- we already have the know-how.
Q: How can we cut global warming pollution?
A: It's simple: By reducing pollution from vehicles and power plants. Right away, we should put existing technologies for building cleaner cars and more modern electricity generators into widespread use. We can increase our reliance on renewable energy sources such as wind, sun and geothermal. And we can manufacture more efficient appliances and conserve energy.
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