05 April 2007

bizarro land, revisited (or) welcome back

i'am among the working again - back to the bar, i go i go. we still need a bit of money to get us into a safe area, so i called my old boss last week and asked if i may be able to pick up a few shifts here and there until school starts in august. with summer coming on and the patio opening, there are normally a few early-out slots that need to be filled - and i was angling for a day bartending shift that i thought may be available. that way, bebe can hang with daddy. my boss was thrilled, but surprised, to hear from me and said he'd do whatever he could to get me on staff. aw. i didn't know i was so missed.

i worked there for nine years as a manager/bartender, before being put on sudden bed rest while pregnant with bebe. sudden as in, "you go home right now and don't get up except to use the bathroom" sudden. i was supposed to work that night. i haven't been back in almost two years, not even for a visit. the bonus with this part-time gig is that i know the place inside and out. the not-so-bonus is i'll be serving and not bartending/managing - unless i end up filling in for someone. i hope it is all truly like riding a bike. i know i have far more patience now than i did then. teeeheeeheeee.

i went in last night to learn the new computer system that was installed after i left. piece of cake, right? let me back up.

i. had. to. leave. bebe. i thought my heart was going to break in two, even though it was only for a few hours. as i was going out the door, he started crying the dry that is reserved for the saddest of times. through his tears, he managed to choke out, "NO mommy go to work on acaputer. want mommy HOME!" it isn't as if i haven't been away from him for a half an hour or so here or there - he's never reacted like that.

i started crying as soon as i got out the door. i cried half the way to the bar. i drove through the upscale shopping area that the bar is in, in disbelief. this same day, two years ago, at the exact same time, i was heading into work. deja-vu. i thought about bebe the whole time i was there, "is he building a round castle with daddy?" "is he asking for blue juice smoothie?" "is he putting his pajamas on now?" i was completely caught off-guard by how much i missed my little man - and by how i felt like i was somehow abandoning him. i had made a promise to myself that i wouldn't fill everyone's ears with tales of bebe, and failed miserably.

i just kept telling myself how important this time will be for bebe and will to have together, just the two of them. will works so much - and while his time with bebe is often, it is spread out into small-ish increments. they had a GRAND time together. there was round castle building, guitar playing, piano playing, singing, dancing, cooking, washing dishes, folding laundry, and book reading. bebe even called me at work to say hello and "i love you, mommy!"

when i got home and opened the door, i was greeted with wild laughter, hugs, kisses and the biggest, happiest, "MOMMY!!!! MOMMY IS HOME!!!!" ever.

i felt a little ridiculous and guilty, knowing that i've been lucky to be able to be at home with bebe for as long as i have. he'll be two next week. being with him was/is really important to me. i know that many, many, many people don't even have the option.

then i saw this video today over at real's world. i cried again. i knew that i was only leaving bebe for a few hours - i can't even imagine my reality being like this - i can't imagine what the months have been like for this father and son:

bring. them. home. now.

so the bar hasn't changed a bit. except i was thinking that the carpet looked too clean. i was later told it had been replaced. everything else is pretty much the same. how can so much have changed in my life over the past two years, while everything stayed the same in what was once a huge part of my life?

a new girl was working on the floor, but i've known her for years. all the usual suspects were there, minus some of the kitchen staff. the bar regulars have changed a bit, but not really - it's amazing how they all look the same. i walked down the stairs, made eye contact with my friend that replaced me, and said, "ok... this is really. weird." it was as if two different worlds had collided.

and lawwwdy! did i not ever realize before how smoky it was in there! i've quarantined my clothes for washing in a far corner of the house.

i'm fixinta head back in again and figure more of the computer stuffs out in a few... wish me luck.

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