10 July 2007

reason 9, 639 that i don't have a religion

turns out - I'M NOT REALLY MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW! get this.

i had a table the other night at work. two tennis playing ladies and a friend. they're in their mid-twenties*** and i waited on them one other time. the guy was fun - i think because he doesn't play tennis over there. kidding. anyway, this time they were talking about marriage when i got the the table with their drinks. the guy asks me what age i think people should get married, and if i'm married.

me: "yup. i'm happily hitched, with an awesome wee dude to boot!"
dude: "how old were you?"
me: "30."
dude: "do you think people should wait until they're older?"
me: "i guess it depends, but sure! i'm VERY glad i didn't end up in unity with any of the yahoos from my younger years. i had stuff to figure out first."
girl 1: blank stare
girl 2: blank stare
dude: "see?"

who knows. i often stumble into these conversations.

i go back in and realize i'm a big old liar.
i go back to the table to set the record straight.

me: "ok, i wasn't 30 after all."
girl 1: "oh?"
me: i laugh, "we never remember our anniversary - i have to call my mom! no, we got married when i was 29. no. wait. i was 28"
dude: laughing "which is it?"
girl 2: blank stare
girl 1: "what do you expect from someone that can't remember her anniversary."
me: "welll, it is in october. i know that. see, we had two different ceremonies - i don't have a religion, so my part was just he and i with no one officiating. his part was a short 10 minute deal in the catholic church. so we celebrate the anniversary between the two ceremony dates."
girl 1: "wait a minute! have you ever been baptised?"
me: "nope."
girl 1: "well, you're not really married. the first sacrament is baptism, and if you've never been baptisied then you can't be married in the catholic church. your husband is ruined too because of this."
dude: laughing his ass off.
girl 2: blank stare
girl 1: no! seriously! i looked into it when i was dating this guy i wanted to marry and he had never been baptised so i broke up with him!"
me: thinking, lucky, lucky, LUCKY guy.
me: "so you mean to tell me that not only am i going to hell, but so is my partner?"
dude: laughs so hard beer shoots from his nose
girl 2: blank stare
girl 1: "pretty much. can i order some spinach artichoke dip?"

while i'm inside ringing in the food, they have two others join them. i go back out to the table.

"hi! the heathen is back to fetch you some drinks!"

i. kill. me.

girl 1: blank stare
girl 2: blank stare
girl 3: blank stare
girl 4: blank stare
dude: more beer shoots out of his nose.

i whip out my picture of bebe and ask the girl with the direct hotline to mary and god or whomever, "what does all of this mean for this little guy?"

she replies with a grimace.

me: "oh no! him TOO?!?!?!"

i leave them be. and go back inside to tell my equally heathen co-workers about it and laugh.

this is why i love "guests" like these instead:

the woman has a shirt on that says, "i make up stuff."

LOVED it. i told her that i wanted one, but i wanted it to say, "i make up stuff in my head" since i do that fairly often.

the guy with her thought that was really funny, and we all ran with the fun for a few minutes.

guy: maybe we could just keep adding on to it - i make stuff up. in my head. on tuesdays."
me: "only during odd numbered years."
guy: "while i'm in the bathroom."
me: "scrubbing out the toilet."

you get the picture.

of course i forgot what beer he ordered by the time i made it back to the machine to ring it up. i went back and forth between newscastle and pale ale, in my head, and chose pale. even though it didn't seem right. i took the drinks over.

"this doesn't look like newcastle, it looks like pale ale!"

"it IS pale ale. see? i TOLD you i make stuff up in my head! ahhhh, i LOVE the circular joke that just won't die!" more laughin, more FUN! no hell to banish me and mine to!

*** i'm not carding to be mean. if i do, you look young enough. i'm old, in bar years. we can be shut down and i can have my serving license swiped for all of eternity and be fined if liquor control shows up unannounced and decides to card people randomly - which they love to do. if i've served you and you don't have you i.d. on you - i get to pay more money. no fun. i know you're 22 and you shouldn't be persecuted like this, but...

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