27 January 2007

it's my blog and i'll cry if i want to, cry if i want to...

ok, so i'm not really crying so much as i'm having a moment. and it's not really so much as i'm having a moment, as i'm having moments that are magically running together to create something new entirely ... remember that existential crisis i mentioned aways back? well, here. we. go.

it started in earnest a few weeks ago, although it is something that i find myself constantly struggling with. it is always in the back of mind, no matter what. it's just this time, it's different. more demanding of my attentions, more pressing then ever before.

i promise that while this post has the potential to reach the epic-length proportions that why i speak out did, i'm going to do my bestest to keep this one short. (thanks, by the way, to everyone who actually read that one from beginning to end. i didn't realize how long it was until a few days later when i looked at my page! eek!)!

but i digress. even though this post and that post are both closely tied. again, i digress. someone STOP me!

so, anyway, this started a few weeks ago, while talking to island amazon on the tele for the first time, at long last. i'm not even sure of what exactly sparked it, but i started having thoughts about my wee little footprint in/on the world about how i try my hardest to walk the talk, but i still have massive shortcomings. everything that i deem to be "right" in my perspective is so damn expensive and difficult to come by on a day-to-day basis - not to mention completely inaccessible to the majority of the world's peoples. i do what i can, but i don't feel like it's nearly enough.

i was thinking about how nice it would be to grow my own food organically, to live off of the power grid, to be with my beautiful partner and bebe and friends in a place free from violence and war (a world in harmony!), to not have to have a car, to have elected officials actually listen to me/us, on and on and on. these are the dreams that fill my head. i feel lucky that i even have these dreams, simply based on where i happened to be born in the world and to whom i was born to. i feel selfish and ridiculous for even complaining -yet seemingly simple actions like buying even a drop of gasoline unsettles me.

a few days later, i was still thinking about it all when i spy the jesus people with their pamphlets swooping down into my 'hood to tell me how awful i'am, and how i can be saved. i didn't answer the door when they got to me.

i started to wonder if my activism is the same thing? am i just constantly pushing my world view down other's throats? are they hiding in their homes from me? who do you think you are, anyway!? then - oh. god. i'am that watchtower pusher. but different?

absolutely. horrified. by the thought.

of course, at that very moment , i looked out the window and who should happen to be driving by but the jesus car man... perfect. (the picture isn't really clear, but there literally is just enough room inside for him to squeeze in and drive. the passenger and back seats are piled to the ceiling with random stuffed animals and whatnot. LOTS of whatnot.)

commence whirlwind of thoughts:

i know that i have to sell myself out on some level to be a member of this society - it's just the least amount of doing so that i want to have to do to get by. i'm not doing enough in my own life to live as i envision - in the same breath, i feel trapped by societal and monetary constraints. i've grown weary of being re-active to corporations, government, industry, popular culture and evil doers (not theirs, ours) - yet, i have no idea where to even begin being pro-active given the severe damage already done. i have a government that is supposed to do my bidding, but doesn't. or do they? am i really that much in the minority? i'm surrounded by industry dumping massive amounts of poison into the environment - and they continue on, funded in part by me. simply because i'am here. am i perceived to be filled with self-righteous indignation? i know that i'am no better than anyone else...

i suppose i could subscribe to a big cable package and instead fill my days with episodes of the real housewives of orange county, aspire to be one, and just throw in the towel.


i know the answer isn't to just hole up and ride the proverbial storm out (i.e. sit around and wait to die), given my inability to keep my mouth shut and my uber-sensitivity to everything that surrounds me. i know i wouldn't be able to stay away for very long - there is no turning back once you know. but i don't want to be "that watchtower guy" that preaches "redemption" in kara-land either. in so many ways, activism "saved" me, becoming more involved in the world, educating myself, realizing my place/duty in it all, finding strength and peace through being actively involved. is activism really a mirror image of organized religion, an entity that i've never been able to get with? and if it is, what does that mean? am i nothing more than a hypocrite? i just don't know.

i thought if i got this all out of my head, something would miraculously surface.

i'm waiting...

i do know this - we all have chosen a "side," someone/thing to pledge our allegiance to - be it god, money, survival or nature. we the people of the world have been divided and conquered - long before any of us were even born. and in the immortal words of bebe,

"me no liiiiiiike it."

Labels: , , ,


FAIR USE NOTICE: This site may contain copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We have posted it here in an effort to advance the understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democratic, scientific, social justice and other issues. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. The material in this site is provided for educational and informational purposes only.